Modern Christmas

Is that time of the year again. Santa’s got a lot of work, delivering toys all around.

Once upon a time, his elves built them with passion, but that time is long gone now. These days, the children have forgotten about hand-made rag-dolls and wooden cars, and demand instead all kinds of commercial stuff.

So the fat guy decided not to waste more time, and the toy factory was rebuilt so it could fulfill some other dreams.

Blue elves now make X, red ones grow pot, and some brown and green ones refine all the coke.

Then they go to the streets, to deal to the kids, so they can get money for their Christmas gifts.

Finally, on December 24th, they fed up the reindeers on angel’s dust, so they can carry toys for girls and boys.

They wait to the midnight and so they go on, and Santa delivers the promised toys, and just before leaving, instead of milk and cookies, he takes a shot of bourbon and empties the fridge.

So that’s the story, and that’s how it ends: if you go on rehab, some toys won’t be made.

Questions about death

I heard death knocking at my door. I wasn’t surprised: I had the gun already coked inside my mouth.

So I pulled the trigger, but it didn’t fire.

I couldn’t understand, and death kept knocking even though the door was unlocked.

I went to open, and there she was – she?... he?... well, let’s say “it”, and call it even – there it was, standing in front of the door.

I told it to come in, but it hadn’t come to get me – who, then? I wonder, there was no one else home, and I was the one with the gun on his mouth.

But death didn’t answer, just stood there, waiting for something, so I started arguing and screaming at it, hoping it would decide to take me.

Death kept quiet, so I got frustrated, I screamed louder and tossed the gun to the floor, so I could use my fists to punch it.

Then it happened: the gun went off as soon as it hit the ground, and the bullet flew directly into death’s heart – Death had a heart? I would have never imagined that –, I had killed death – That’s a new one: Who would’ve figured that death could die? It makes no sense, but I did it –, so now I had to figure out what to do with its body.

I decided to chop it into little pieces and keep them on the fridge, and just get rid of a few pieces at a time.

As I was cutting, I realized it had no blood – Why the hell would death have a heart if it had no blood to pump with it? And, If it’s heart didn’t pump blood, Why would be fatal being shot through it? I couldn’t answer that, but death was dead for sure.

Once I filled the fridge, I thought it wouldn’t hurt anybody if I had a little fun, so I donned death’s costume and went on a rampage through the city, terrorizing anyone who dared to cross my path. But nobody died.

In fact, a long time has passed since that day, and still, nobody has died… And I’m not talking about my joyrides in death’s costume, I’m telling you that absolutely no one has died since that day. People keeps aging, kids keep being born… It is not a pretty sight: an overcrowded world filled with people who has already arrived to the 200+ years of age, especially since our bodies started malfunctioning when we were in our late 80’s – although some kept fit well into their 90’s, but those are exceptions –. Hospitals are filled, nursing homes overcrowded, food supplies don’t last… and nobody dies because death is not there to take us anymore.

And now, lying here on my bed, there’s only one more question which keeps me awake every night, looking for its answer: Who took death, if death wasn’t there to take it when I killed it?

Driving Naked

I’m driving in my car, bare ass naked.

I’m not going to get into details, so let’s just say that the situation called for a quick exit and my clothes were not at hand.

So now the imitation leather interiors are sticking to my butt and everytime I move I feel my skin burn. The pedals are also hot and burn my feet, I’m sweating like a pig and the A/C is broke. To make things worse, something in the sit really itches, what forces me to move, making the sticky sit rip off my ass’ hairs (damn, that hurts!).

As if that wasn’t enough, now a police car is starting to signal me to pull over.

I’d swear that the light was still yellow!!!

Or maybe it wasn’t?

I can’t even think between the itching, the burning and the hairpulling!

I can’t stop! I won’t! Come on! I’m naked!

No. I’m not stopping. How would I ever explain this?

I’m not going to stop. Period.

So, now I’m driving naked in my car in the middle of a high speed chase, with the cops tailing me and news helicopters flying all over the freeway.

This just keeps getting better! $h¡t!!!

What now? A flat tire? This is definitely not my day! At least I didn’t spin or tip over, but now I really have to face the cop.

The pig just asked me to get out “with my hands where he can see them” Is he nuts? He already saw I was completely naked! Doesn’t he have a heart?

Come on, officer! Don’t make me come out naked on national TV!!! How am I going to explain this to my wife?

Can anyone please stop looking at me with those stupid grins and lend me something to cover???