The Voice

I wake up around noon. Still a bit dizzy from the party last night, and I don’t even know how the hell I got home. But as I start getting up I notice this gorgeous woman lying in bed besides me.

“Wow – I  think – I scored big, last night”

I’m starving to death, so, trying not to wake her up, I get to the kitchen to make us something to eat.

I get to the fridge, and as I start taking out what I need, I hear a hideous female voice coming from behind me.

“Oh, hi, honey, what are you making?”

I turn around, and this goddess-like creature is approaching. I’m about to answer, but she interrupts.

“I’m dying for a coffee, do you have any?”

Wow!, that nasal, high pitched voice really got to my nerves, but not as much as her not letting me answer again and starting to search trough every single one of my drawers until she found what she was looking for.

So, I keep making us some breakfast without saying anything, trying to keep polite.

But then, she starts rambling: “So, how did you meet  Donna and Chris? Funny story, I met them back when I was in highschool and I was walking out to the bus stop and, you know I didn’t have a car back then, so, you know, I needed to take the bus…”

I can’t believe this. She is just talking, and talking and seems like she’s never going to stop. She doesn’t give any intonation, babbles and babbles in just one flat tone that is driving me crazy.

“… and he was like, ‘oh, god, what happened here?’ And I was like, ‘well you stained my dress’, and, you know, he was embarrassed, and…”

In adition, this woman must be at least 30, but she speaks like the dumbest 13 year old in the world… I’m sorry, but somebody must have putted something in my drink… she may be smokin’ hot, but there’s now way, no matter how drunk I was, that I would even think about keeping around someone so annoying for more than 30 seconds, let alone taking her home.

“… so he offered me a ride, and I was like “gee, thanks” so I got… Oh!, do you see, the coffee is ready, where are the cups?.. so I got in and…”

She starts looking through my drawers again, while she keeps babbling about what might be the most boring story I’ve ever heard. What in God’s name did I drink to think that bringing this monster here was a good idea?

“… so this girl passes us by…”

And that voice… that annoying voice..

“.. and what do you know? Their cars were side to side and they were like talking through the windows, with me in the middle, and I was like ‘please, you’re leaving me deaf’ but they kept shouting till the light changed…”

“SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP”

I just snapped… I can’t take it anymore of that… Is not only the awful voice, is not just the fact that the story is so boring it would put you to sleep even if you where standing in the railroad tracks with the train approaching, it isn’t even the fact that I’ve heard that story like a thousand times – by the way, that’s how Donna and Chris met each other… which  means this must be that Gina they always talk about –, and it isn’t the lack of any inflection on her narration. It was everything. All of those things together with my headache, and the fact that she sounded so airheaded, were what didn’t let me keep composure. And now, in addition, she’s crying. Who would have thought a grown up woman, who surely has driven crazy a bunch of people by this time, would start crying so easily. Well… I guess I should’ve imagined.

Anyway, I just can’t stand her anymore, she’s got to stop crying. I can’t think of anything to say that will shut her up… and her cries are so loud… and maybe even more annoying – if you think that’s possible – than her incessant babbling.

So I stab her. I stab her to death. Well, is not my fault, she should’ve known better than just drive nuts someone while he’s chopping onions. Shouldn’t she?

What do I do now? I recovered my senses and I’m pretty sure now that I have to do something to get rid of the body. Although… What if anyone in the party saw us leave together? But I can’t leave her here… I can’t go to jail… She was a plague! Oh, crap, What have I done? What do I do now?

KNOCK KNOCK

Oh, sh**t. Someone’s at the door. I’ll better shut up and stand still so they think there’s nobody home.

KNOCK KNOCK

I’ll get closer and try to peek through the peephole to know who it is.

KNOCK KNOCK

“Mr. Lewis, this is the police, please open the door”.

I overhear the officer talking to the super.

“Are you sure it came from here?”

“Yes, sir, I’m sure. I heard screaming and then a lady crying and then a loud noise, like something heavy falling on the floor”

KNOCK KNOCK

“We have received complaints from the neighbors…”

I start running towards the window. My feet make loud noises when they hit the floor, damn wooden floors, so the officer hears me and smashes the door open.

“Stay here” says to the super.

He comes in, and starts following me. As I pass through the kitchen I slip in the pool of blood. He’s onto me before I can stand up.

“Sir, can you explain what happened here?”

As he says this, he’s looking at Gina’s body. Something is going on inside his head, I can tell. I see that in his eyes.

He takes his radio and cancels his call for backup – which he did while chasing me around the house – then he grabs me and cuffs me to the sink’s pipe and heads to the door.

“Sir – tells the super – everything is fine now, return to your apartment, we’ll be calling for a statement, if needed”.

Then he comes back.

“Well? What happened here?”

I don’t know what to say… Do I tell the truth? Do I make up something about waking up and finding her like that? No. That can’t be done… I haven’t even cleaned the knife… I watch TV I know they can figure it out. Oh, sh**t… They’ve got me… I’m going to jail… Oh no! I think I’m going to cry.

I spill out my guts to the officer, I tell him everything. He must think I’m nuts or something because he looks at me with a weird grin in his face.

“Here’s what we are going to do, sir. We are going to seal this room and then you’re going to come and take a ride with me.

I sense something strange in going on, and then again, I’m so freaked out it just might be my imagination.

So, I’m now cuffed into my bedroom while he seals the room – whatever the hell that means – until he finishes.

He comes back, after a long while – It seemed like hours to me – with his hands wet.

“Ok, sir, we’re ready to go”.

He cuffs me again, hands on front, and puts a jacket over my hands. I’m thinking how weird this is as he gets me through the back door of the patrol. No partner, no radio report neither before, nor after he starts the car.

A few blocks away from home, he starts talking to me again. Still with that strange grin in his mouth.

“So, Mr. Lewis, What is your name, again? Mark, isn’t it? Well, Mark, Can you tell me again what was it that made you kill that woman?”

“I really don’t know, officer, she was just driving me crazy, She was just…”

“Oh, that Gina – he interrupted me – she had it coming”.

I never told him her name, and she was only wearing one of my shirts when I stabbed her. Her clothes were in the room with me when he "sealed" the kitchen so…How did he know her name?

“So, did you know her, officer?”

“Well, Mark, if you think one morning with her is enough to cut her throath away, you should try spending three years of your life hearing that incessant yapping again, and again and again”.

We got to a deserted alley. Now I’m literally sh***ting my pants. He gets out the door and opens mine and literally drags me out while I cry for him to let me live, but he reaches for the cuffs and takes them off.

“Be quiet and listen to me – he said – it would have been the easiest thing to do to take you to the station and get this over with, but I kind of like you. God knows I know how annoying that woman can be, and how many times I thought about finishing her myself”.

“I… I’m not following”.

“Well, you just saved me my house, my car and half my yearly income. Now, if it was only for that, I would let you rot in jail… but since I don’t ever have to see or hear her again, I’m helping you out”.

Either I’m having a very weird dream, or I’m one of the luckiest murderers in the world.

“Ok… as you should imagine, you will be suspect #1, so I made sure your home was CSI-proof”.

While he was saying that, a second car arrived. And a huge guy got out of it.

“Hey, Bill, what’s up? Is this the guy?”, said to the officer, while pointing at me.

“Yes it is”

“How come this whimp could do what I didn’t have the ba**s to do?”

“I don’t know… and he didn’t have to marry her to get fed up with her either. – then, turning to me – Mark, this is Rob, Gina’s first husband, he’s going to thank you for getting rid of her by helping us out – he turned to Rob again – So, anyone saw you?”.

“Piece o’ cake, no one saw anything”.

“Ok, then, I’ll leave you two ladies alone, I’ve got a report to fill and a lot of stuff to do to keep us safe”.

He jumped into the patrol and left me with Rob, who opened the trunk of the car, revealing the body.

“Now – he started to say – we took care of the clean up and the transport. Now is your job to destroy the body. I’ll help you out, but we have to make sure that Bill doesn’t get the heat, after all, he’s the one with the motive, as far as everyone knows. He really must like you, man”.

Again, I don’t know what to say… I’m in a deserted alley in the middle of nowhere with a saw in my hand, a stolen car with a dead body in the trunk and huge guy besides me explaining how we are going to dispose the parts. I’m shaking like a leaf and about to puke, and still, I feel it is my responsibility to comply, after all, these guys are sticking their necks out for me.

“It was her voice, wasn’t it?”, he asked me.

“Yes”

“Yes, I imagined it would be the voice…I imagined that”.

So he joins me with another saw, winking at me with a grin on his face.